"But It's Not Fair!": When You Do Everything Right and Still Don't Receive Your Desired Outcome
A Story That Could Be Any Mother's, this blog is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
On the injustice wound, the Heaven's Reward Fallacy, and what comes after.
There's an injustice wound that can occur when our minds are bound to the "Heaven's Reward Fallacy." If that term causes you to scratch your head and it's not because you have psoriasis (don't ask), then allow me to explain. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), there are twisted ways of thinking, a.k.a. Cognitive Distortions that all of us have at one point or another. Most people can relate to all of them in themselves, recognize some in others, and sarcastically (but only half-kidding of course) feel attacked by a selected few.
Heaven's Reward Fallacy is more or less the belief that good things happen to good people. The idea that bad things can happen to good people will callous even the most innocent of Pollyannas and if you're anything like me, you had to learn a very hard truth in a painful and unfair-feeling way. Let's explore a few examples of how you may find out hard work doesn't always equal success IRL, and please, don't hate the messenger…
Heaven's Reward Fallacy was described by Dr. Aaron Beck, the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy, as the expectation that all sacrifice and self-denial must pay off, as if there were someone keeping score, and feeling disappointed and even bitter when the reward does not come. It is closely related to the Just World Hypothesis, first introduced by psychologist Melvin Lerner in the 1960s, which describes the deeply human belief that people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. Research shows that people hold onto just world beliefs in part because they provide psychological comfort and a sense of control. The world feels safer when we believe that good behavior is rewarded. The cost of that belief is the particular devastation that arrives when reality refuses to cooperate.
Example 1: "The Make or Break Exam"
You purchase all the books, study programs and workshops. The local coffee shop has a "reserved" sign in your study corner and knows your drink by heart. Months, weeks, days and hours of studying relentlessly become commonplace. Your makeup bag is replaced with pens, those multicolored sticky bookmarkers, highlighters, a yellow crayon (doesn't bleed through), stevia in case they only have Splenda, and your favorite podcast ready to go on your AirPods.
You know all the information up and down, front and back, in and out, side to side and in 7 languages. Okay, maybe not that last part, but you get the point. "The Exam Expert" they'll call you and this is because you could literally teach a course on passing this exam.
Brain food? Check. Water and juice? Check. Lucky socks that read, "You Got This!"? Damn straight! Passing this exam means you can finally achieve your professional goals. Which means you earn a nice living and make all of the years, money, and hard work of graduate school count for something.
After weeks of waiting, the results finally arrive and you failed by 4 points. You follow the same study protocol, do even better on the practice exams and retake the exam. You reached the passing score of the previous exam yet the bell curve raised the passing score up 2 more points. If you fail again you will have to wait a year to take the exam again, however in a year, you'll be past the timeframe permitted to sit for the exam post graduation. Why is this happening?!
Example 2: "Table for 1 Please"
You've been dating since high school. The book "Why Men Marry Bitches," "The Rules," and "He's just not that into you" sit on your bookshelf with underlined pages and bunny ears galore. Every dating site and app has your profile with an honest and assertive bio that clearly states you aren't open for hookups, want to find your person, and hope to have a big family of your own one day.
The years go by and the relationship experiences you do have only confirm what you DON'T want in a life partner and coparent. You've put yourself out there and explored all options, meeting people in various ideal settings and their age range, height, and background have had the filter changed to "ALL."
More time passes and your friends have now been engaged, married and their 3rd and final kid is in elementary school. The men you meet are now divorced or never married with kids and don't want more or want no kids at all. You turn 39, then 40 and even Botox can't make your uterus appear younger. You went about it with all of your heart and now it's time to accept that even your "just in time guy" that some of your friends met before turning 40 never came into fruition. "I just don't get it!"
Example 3: "Fertility Shmerility, This Is Gutwrenchingly Some Bullshit"
Enter the baby and child whisperer, aunt extraordinaire, would-be "Mom of the Year," except she can't get pregnant. She changes her diet, exercises, and starts doing acupuncture. Her fridge is covered in fertility affirmations and her cabinet is stocked with every supplement for egg egg quality and uterine health under the sun. The doctor tells her that her labs are fantastic and impressive for someone her age.
This woman finally gets pregnant, however she miscarries. Her providers tell her this happens and to keep trying. She continues to do all she's been doing and she's now started seeing a chiropractor as well to increase her chances. She miscarries again and again with no explanation. Feeling defeated, this woman chooses to do IVF to give her the best chance possible. Everything is done meticulously along the way, yet her transfer fails and it was her only viable embryo. She now has some very heavy choices to consider and decisions to make. "But I did everything exactly right!"
Research on just world beliefs shows that people hold onto them in part because they reduce anxiety about randomness. If good behavior is rewarded, then we are safe as long as we behave well. The loss of that belief, which psychologists call just world threat, produces not only grief but a disorienting loss of the framework that made the future feel navigable. Studies show that people experiencing just world threat often move through a period of self-blame before arriving at acceptance, asking what they could have done differently in order to preserve the belief that outcomes are controllable. This is one of the reasons why people who do everything right and still do not get the outcome they hoped for often find themselves in a prolonged and particularly painful grieving process.
The disappointment and despair as a result of the "Heaven's Reward Fallacy" belief can cause unbearable heartbreak. When you've given something all you've got and it's still not enough, you can be left feeling depleted, defeated, and defective. It's a pain no one should ever have to experience, yet so many do as they experience some of the hardest realities of life.
Hope turns into acceptance. Acceptance turns into healing. You are forever changed and every dream that follows is now proceeded with caution. There can still be options to consider. In each of these examples, there are possibilities. They may look completely different than what you originally aimed for, but they exist and when you're ready they'll still be there to entice you with open arms and help you find your new way.
CBT offers specific tools for working with the Heaven's Reward Fallacy. The first is simply naming it, recognizing the cognitive distortion for what it is rather than letting it operate invisibly. The second is cognitive restructuring, examining the evidence for and against the belief that effort always produces the desired outcome. The third is values clarification, separating the effort and intention, which you can control, from the outcome, which you often cannot. The goal is not to stop trying or to abandon hope. It is to invest in effort without making your worth or your peace contingent on a specific result.
What Actually Helps When the Belief Has Broken
Awareness allows changes which can lead to action. When you identify your cognitive distortion and give it a name, you are bringing into your circle of control to do something about it. We don’t know what we don’t know. When an uncomfortable and distressing thought or feeling comes up, call it out. Receive this acknowledgement as neutral information/data instead of being self-critical about it. The thought, “I must have done something wrong to deserve this.” or “This is all my fault because God doesn’t think I’m cut out to handle this.” is the Heaven's Reward Fallacy telling you inaccurate and unhelpful things. Naming the cognitive distortion that’s creating this though can allow you to “zoom out” just enough to provide the distance needed to challenge or reframe the thought to be more helpful.
The outcome and the belief each need their own moments to grieve. The loss of what you hoped for and envisioned in detail is one grief. The loss of believing that because you put in so much effort and did it with the purest of intentions your outcome was supposed to happen another. Both are valid and both deserve the space to be processed.
Resist the urge to self-blame. It can be an automatic reaction when trying to make sense of why this loss occurred. When the beliefs that “hard work will eventually pay off” and “good things will happen if I do what I’m supposed to do” are threatened, the pain can be redirected inward and internalized as a reflection of your worth or character. “What did I do wrong?” “What should I have done differently?” This is the mind trying to make sense of the nonsensical and regain a sense of control by making the outcome your fault. It is not your fault.
Find people who “get it” because they have been where you are and are now on other side of it. You aren’t looking to be told “it will all work out,” “at least you…” Reading success stories and connecting with right support can confirm the proof and evidence needed to keep going. Knowing it is possible to recover from even your most “gut wrenching” of days can be explored when you are ready. Even after the outcome you wanted did not arrive, it doesn’t always mean it can’t or won’t. No matter what happens, there are options and you are worthy of rebuilding a life that is both meaningful and fulfilling.
There are therapists who specialize specifically in this kind of grief work. The injustice wound does not always respond to general support. It responds to clinical work that understands the specific psychology of undeserved loss, what’s behind it, and the coping tools that will be most effective for you.
Sources
Beck, A. T. (1979). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. Penguin Books.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. William Morrow. (Original source for Heaven's Reward Fallacy as a named cognitive distortion)
Lerner, M. J. (1980). The belief in a just world: A fundamental delusion. Plenum Press.
Lerner, M. J., & Miller, D. T. (1978). Just world research and the attribution process: Looking back and ahead. Psychological Bulletin, 85(5), 1030-1051.
Grohol, J. M. (2019). 15 common cognitive distortions. Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/cognitive-distortions
Kinsale CBT. (2024). Heaven's reward fallacy: Sacrifices are not always rewarded. https://www.kinsalecbt.com
If you are located in Florida, California, or Tennessee and are looking for individual support, I would love to work with you. Learn more about therapy services at bethsiller.com.
Not in one of those states? Beth offers virtual workshops and professional trainings available nationwide. Find out more at bethsiller.com.
This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute therapy or medical advice. Beth P. Siller, LMFT is a licensed therapist, not a physician. Please consult a qualified medical or mental health professional for personalized support.
